Cuyamaca College Satire And Criticism in Candide Discussion


Write a  paper on one of the questions below. 
Choice 1:  Throughout Candide, Candide is pulled in multiple philosophical directions. Who are his main teachers and what do they teach Candide? How does Candide respond to his teachers? What philosophy does Candide embrace by the end of the story?
Choice 2:  In Candide, Voltaire satirizes and criticizes many aspects of European society (e.g. the military, superstition, the nobility, slavery, organized religion, etc.)  Discuss the significance of at least three of these themes providing examples from the text.  (Including El Dorado can be helpful with this prompt.)
This is a one-source paper.  Do not include outside information other than the main text.  Your analysis must be your own.  Papers using Sparknotes, Course Hero, or other outside sources will receive a 0.
Specific examples (a minimum of six) are required.  Here is how to cite sources.
Example of using  a direct quote:  
Voltaire satirizes military brutality throughout the novel.  When Candide lands in England he is shocked at the execution of an admiral who did not sufficiently engage the French.  Candide is told, “But in this country, it is considered a good thing to kill an admiral from time to time so as to encourage the others.” (65.)

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© 1998, Electronic Scholarly Publishing Project
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CHAPTER 1………………………………………………………………………….1
How Candide Was Brought Up in a Magnificent Castle and How He
Was Driven Thence
CHAPTER 2………………………………………………………………………….3
What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
CHAPTER 3………………………………………………………………………….6
How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What Befell Him
CHAPTER 4………………………………………………………………………….8
How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and What
CHAPTER 5………………………………………………………………………..11
A Tempest, a Shipwreck, an Earthquake, and What Else Befell Dr.
Pangloss, Candide, and James, the Anabaptist
CHAPTER 6………………………………………………………………………..14
How the Portuguese Made a Superb Auto-De-Fe to Prevent Any
Future Earthquakes, and How Candide Underwent Public
CHAPTER 7………………………………………………………………………..16
How the Old Woman Took Care Of Candide, and How He Found the
Object of His Love
CHAPTER 8………………………………………………………………………..18
Cunegund’s Story
CHAPTER 9………………………………………………………………………..21
What Happened to Cunegund, Candide, the Grand Inquisitor, and the
CHAPTER 10 ………………………………………………………………………23
In What Distress Candide, Cunegund, and the Old Woman Arrive at
Cadiz, and Of Their Embarkation
CHAPTER 11 ………………………………………………………………………25
The History of the Old Woman
CHAPTER 12 ………………………………………………………………………28
The Adventures of the Old Woman Continued
CHAPTER 13 ………………………………………………………………………32
How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair Cunegund and the Old
CHAPTER 14 ………………………………………………………………………35
The Reception Candide and Cacambo Met with among the Jesuits in
CHAPTER 15 ………………………………………………………………………38
How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunegund
CHAPTER 16 ………………………………………………………………………40
What Happened to Our Two Travelers with Two Girls, Two Monkeys,
and the Savages, Called Oreillons
CHAPTER 17 ………………………………………………………………………44
Candide and His Valet Arrive in the Country of El Dorado-What
They Saw There
CHAPTER 18 ………………………………………………………………………48
What They Saw in the Country of El Dorado
CHAPTER 19 ………………………………………………………………………53
What Happened to Them at Surinam, and How Candide Became
Acquainted with Martin
CHAPTER 20 ………………………………………………………………………58
What Befell Candide and Martin on Their Passage
CHAPTER 21 ………………………………………………………………………61
Candide and Martin, While Thus Reasoning with Each Other, Draw
Near to the Coast of France
CHAPTER 22 ………………………………………………………………………63
What Happened to Candide and Martin in France
CHAPTER 23 ………………………………………………………………………72
Candide and Martin Touch upon the English Coast-What They See
CHAPTER 24 ………………………………………………………………………74
Of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee
CHAPTER 25 ………………………………………………………………………78
Candide and Martin Pay a Visit to Seignor Pococurante, a Noble
CHAPTER 26 ………………………………………………………………………83
Candide and Martin Sup with Six Sharpers-Who They Were
CHAPTER 27 ………………………………………………………………………86
Candide’s Voyage to Constantinople
CHAPTER 28 ………………………………………………………………………90
What Befell Candide, Cunegund, Pangloss, Martin, etc.
CHAPTER 29 IN ………………………………………………………………….92
What Manner Candide Found Miss Cunegund and the Old Woman
CHAPTER 30 ………………………………………………………………………94
How Candide Was Brought Up in a Magnificent Castle
and How He Was Driven Thence
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baron
of Thunder–ten–tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature had endowed with
a most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He
had a solid judgment joined to the most unaffected simplicity; and
hence, I presume, he had his name of Candide. The old servants of the
house suspected him to have been the son of the Baron’s sister, by a
very good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young
lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more than
threescore and eleven quarterings in his arms; the rest of the
genealogical tree belonging to the family having been lost through the
injuries of time.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for
his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and his great hall was
hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels
instead of greyhounds; his groom served him for huntsman; and the
parson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner. He was called “My
Lord” by all his people, and he never told a story but everyone laughed
at it.
My Lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds,
consequently was a person of no small consideration; and then she did
the honors of the house with a dignity that commanded universal
respect. Her daughter was about seventeen years of age, fresh–colored,
comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron’s son seemed to be a youth in
every respect worthy of the father he sprung from. Pangloss, the
preceptor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to
his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and disposition.
Master Pangloss taught the metaphysico–theologo–cosmolonigology.He could prove to admiration that there is no effect without a
cause; and, that in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron’s castle
was the most magnificent of all castles, and My Lady the best of all
possible baronesses.
“It is demonstrable,” said he, “that things cannot be otherwise than
as they are; for as all things have been created for some end, they must
necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the nose
is formed for spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs are
visibly designed for stockings, accordingly we wear stockings. Stones
were made to be hewn and to construct castles, therefore My Lord has a
magnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the province ought to be
the best lodged. Swine were intended to be eaten, therefore we eat pork
all the year round: and they, who assert that everything is right, do not
express themselves correctly; they should say that everything is best.”
Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thought
Miss Cunegund excessively handsome, though he never had the
courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being
Baron of Thunder–ten–tronckh, the next was that of being Miss
Cunegund, the next that of seeing her every day, and the last that of
hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the
whole province, and consequently of the whole world.
One day when Miss Cunegund went to take a walk in a little
neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through the
bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental
philosophy to her mother’s chambermaid, a little brown wench, very
pretty, and very tractable. As Miss Cunegund had a great disposition
for the sciences, she observed with the utmost attention the experiments
which were repeated before her eyes; she perfectly well understood the
force of the doctor’s reasoning upon causes and effects. She retired
greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge,
imagining that she might be a sufficing reason for young Candide, and
he for her.
On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she
blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a flattering
tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The next
day, as they were rising from dinner, Cunegund and Candide slipped
behind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief, the young man
picked it up. She innocently took hold of his hand, and he as innocently
kissed hers with a warmth, a sensibility, a grace–all very particular;
their lips met; their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands
strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect,
and, without hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable kicks on the
breech and drove him out of doors. The lovely Miss Cunegund fainted
away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears.
Thus a general consternation was spread over this most magnificent
and most agreeable of all possible castles.
What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a long
time without knowing where he went; sometimes he raised his eyes, all
bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a
melancholy look towards the magnificent castle, where dwelt the fairest
of young baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep in a furrow,
heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in great flakes, and, in the
morning when he awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, he
made shift to crawl to the next town, which was called Wald–berghofftrarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead with
hunger and fatigue. He took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had
not been long there before two men dressed in blue fixed their eyes
steadfastly upon him.
“Faith, comrade,” said one of them to the other, “yonder is a well
made young fellow and of the right size.” Upon which they made up to
Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dine
with them.
“Gentlemen,” replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, you
do me much honor, but upon my word I have no money.”
“Money, sir!” said one of the blues to him, “young persons of your
appearance and merit never pay anything; why, are not you five feet
five inches high?”
“Yes, gentlemen, that is really my size,” replied he, with a low
“Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay your
reckoning, but will never suffer such a clever young fellow as you to
want money. Men were born to assist one another.”
“You are perfectly right, gentlemen,” said Candide, “this is
precisely the doctrine of Master Pangloss; and I am convinced that
everything is for the best.”
His generous companions next entreated him to accept of a few
crowns, which he readily complied with, at the same time offering them
his note for the payment, which they refused, and sat down to table.
“Have you not a great affection for –”
“O yes! I have a great affection for the lovely Miss Cunegund.”
“Maybe so,” replied one of the blues, “but that is not the
question!We ask you whether you have not a great affection for the
King of the Bulgarians?”
“For the King of the Bulgarians?” said Candide. “Oh, Lord! not at
all, why I never saw him in my life.”
“Is it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must
drink his health.”
“With all my heart, gentlemen,” said Candide, and off he tossed his
“Bravo!” cried the blues; “you are now the support, the defender,
the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune is made; you are in the high
road to glory.”
So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to the
regiment. There he was made to wheel about to the right, to the left, to
draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and
they gave him thirty blows with a cane; the next day he performed his
exercise a little better, and they gave him but twenty; the day following
he came off with ten, and was looked upon as a young fellow of
surprising genius by all his comrades.
Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul of
him conceive how he came to be a hero. One fine spring morning, he
took it into his head to take a walk, and he marched straight forward,
conceiving it to be a privilege of the human species, as well as of the
brute creation, to make use of their legs how and when they pleased. He
had not gone above two leagues when he was overtaken by four other
heroes, six feet high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him to
a dungeon. A courtmartial sat upon him, and he was asked which he
liked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through the whole
regiment, or to have his brains blown out with a dozen musket–balls?
In vain did he remonstrate to them that the human will is free, and
that he chose neither; they obliged him to make a choice, and he
determined, in virtue of that divine gift called free will, to run the
gauntlet six and thirty times.
He had gone through his discipline twice, and the regiment being
composed of 2,000 men, they composed for him exactly 4,000 strokes,
which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from the nape of his neck to
his stern. As they were preparing to make him set out the third time our
young hero, unable to support it any longer, begged as a favor that they
would be so obliging as to shoot him through the head; the favor being
granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes, and he was made to kneel
At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass by
made a stop, and inquired into the delinquent’s crime, and being a
prince of great penetration, he found, from what he heard of Candide,
that he was a young metaphysician, entirely ignorant of the world; and
therefore, out of his great clemency, he condescended to pardon him,
for which his name will be celebrated in every journal, and in every
age. A skillful surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three
weeks by means of emollient unguents prescribed by Dioscorides. His
sores were now skimmed over and he was able to march, when the
King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares.
How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What
Befell Him Afterward
Never was anything so gallant, so well accoutred, so brilliant, and
so finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets, fifes, hautboys,
drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hell
itself. The entertainment began by a discharge of cannon, which, in the
twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on each side. The musket
bullets swept away, out of the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten
thousand scoundrels that infested its surface. The bayonet was next the
sufficient reason of the deaths of several thousands. The whole might
amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher,
and concealed himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.
At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums to be sung
in their camps, Candide took a resolution to go and reason somewhere
else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying
men, the first place he came to was a neighboring village, in the
Abarian territories, which had been burned to the ground by the
Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of old men
covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying with their throats
cut, and hugging their children to their breasts, all stained with blood.
There several young virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open, after
they had satisfied the natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes,
breathed their last; while others, half–burned in the flames, begged to
be dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered
with the brains, arms, and legs of dead men.
Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which
belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic Abares had
enacted the same tragedy. Thence continuing to walk over palpitating
limbs, or through ruined buildings, at length he arrived beyond the
theater of war, with a little provision in his budget, and Miss
Cunegund’s image in his heart. When he arrived in Holland his
provision failed him; but having heard that the inhabitants of that
country were all rich and Christians, he made himself sure of being
treated by them in the same manner as the Baron’s castle, before he had
been driven thence through the power of Miss Cunegund’s bright eyes.
He asked charity of several grave–looking people, who one and all
answered him, that if he continued to follow this trade they would have
him sent to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get his
He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from
haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole hour on the subject of
charity. The orator, squinting at him under his broadbrimmed hat, asked
him sternly, what brought him thither and whether he was for the good
old cause?
“Sir,” said Candide, in a submissive manner, “I conceive there can
be no effect without a cause; everything is necessarily concatenated and
arranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished from
the presence of Miss Cunegund; that I should afterwards run the
gauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my bread, till I am able to get
it. All this could not have been otherwise.”
“Hark ye, friend,” said the orator, “do you hold the Pope to be
“Truly, I never heard anything about it,” said Candide, “but
whether he is or not, I am in want of something to eat.”
“Thou deservest not to eat or to drink,” replied the orator, “wretch,
monster, that thou art! hence! avoid my sight, nor ever come near me
again while thou livest.”
The orator’s wife happened to put her head out of the window at
that instant, when, seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope was
Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a utensil full of water. Good
heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport womankind!
A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist
named James, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment
showed to one of his brethren, to a rational, two–footed, unfledged
being. Moved with pity he carried him to his own house, caused him to
be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two
florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade of
weaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland.
Candide, penetrated with so much goodness, threw himself at his
feet, crying, “Now I am convinced that my Master Pangloss told me
truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I
am infinitely more affected with your extraordinary generosity than
with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his wife.”
How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and
What Happened to Him
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all
covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose eaten
off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak,
snuffling and coughing most violently, and every time he attempted to
spit out dropped a tooth.
Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way
to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two florins which
the honest Anabaptist, James, had just before given to him. The specter
looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his
neck. Candide started back aghast.
“Alas!” said the one wretch to the other, “don’t you know dear
“What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in this
piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What has
made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of all castles?What
has become of Miss Cunegund, the mirror of young ladies, and
Nature’s masterpiece?”
“Oh, Lord!” cried Pangloss, “I am so weak I cannot stand,” upon
which Candide instantly led him to the Anabaptist’s stable, and
procured him something to eat.
As soon as Pangloss had a little refreshed himself, Candide began
to repeat his inquiries concerning Miss Cunegund.
“She is dead,” replied the other.
“Dead!” cried Candide, and immediately fainted away; his friend
restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he found by
chance in the stable.
Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: “Dead! is Miss
Cunegund dead? Ah, where is the best of worlds now? But of what
illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father kick me out of
his magnificent castle?”
“No,” replied Pangloss, “her body was ripped open by the
Bulgarian soldiers, after they had subjected her to as much cruelty as a
damsel could survive; they knocked the Baron, her father, on the head
for attempting to defend her; My Lady, her mother, was cut in pieces;
my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as
for the castle, they have not left one stone upon another; they have
destroyed all the ducks, and sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we have
had our revenge, for the Abares have done the very same thing in a
neighboring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian lord.”
At hearing this, Candide fainted away a second time, but, not
withstanding, having come to himself again, he said all that it became
him to say; he inquired into the cause and effect, as well as into the
sufficing reason that had reduced Pangloss to so miserable a condition.
“Alas,” replied the preceptor, “it was love; love, the comfort of the
human species; love, the preserver of the universe; the soul of all
sensible beings; love! tender love!”
“Alas,” cried Candide, “I have had some knowledge of love
myself, this sovereign of hearts, this soul of souls; yet it never cost me
more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. But how could this
beautiful cause produce in you so hideous an effect?”
Pangloss made answer in these terms:
“O my dear Candide, you must remember Pacquette, that pretty
wench, who waited on our noble Baroness; in her arms I tasted the
pleasures of Paradise, which produced these Hell torments with which
you see me devoured. She was infected with an ailment, and perhaps
has since died of it; she received this present of a learned Franciscan,
who derived it from the fountainhead; he was indebted for it to an old
countess, who had it of a captain of horse, who had it of a marchioness,
who had it of a page, the page had it of a Jesuit, who, during his
novitiate, had it in a direct line from one of the fellow adventurers of
Christopher Columbus; for my part I shall give it to nobody, I am a
dying man.”
“O sage Pangloss,” cried Candide, “what a strange genealogy is
this!Is not the devil the root of it?”
“Not at all,” replied the great man, “it was a thing unavoidable, a
necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had not
caught in an island in America this disease, which contaminates the
source of generation, and frequently impedes propagation itself, and is
evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we should have had
neither chocolate nor cochineal. It is also to be observed, that, even to
the present time, in this continent of ours, this malady, like our
religious controversies, is peculiar to ourselves.The Turks, the Indians,
the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, and the Japanese are entirely
unacquainted with it; but there is a sufficing reason for them to know it
in a few centuries. In the meantime, it is making prodigious havoc
among us, especially in those armies composed of well disciplined
hirelings, who determine the fate of nations; for we may safely affirm,
that, when an army of thirty thousand men engages another equal in
size, there are about twenty thousand infected with syphilis on each
“Very surprising, indeed,” said Candide, “but you must get cured.”
“Lord help me, how can I?” said Pangloss. “My dear friend, I have
not a penny in the world; and you know one cannot be bled or have an
enema without money.”
This last speech had its effect on Candide; he flew to the charitable
Anabaptist, James; he flung himself at his feet, and gave him so
striking a picture of the miserable condition of his friend that the good
man without any further hesitation agreed to take Dr.Pangloss into his
house, and to pay for his cure. The cure was effected with only the loss
of one eye and an ear. As be wrote a good hand, and understood
accounts tolerably well, the Anabaptist made him his bookkeeper. At
the expiration of two months, being obliged by some mercantile affairs
to go to Lisbon he took the two philosophers with him in the same ship;
Pangloss, during the course of the voyage, explained to him how
everything was so constituted that it could not be better. James did not
quite agree with him on this point.
“Men,” said he “must, in some things, have deviated from their
original innocence; for they were not born wolves, and yet they worry
one another like those beasts of prey. God never gave them twenty–
four pounders nor bayonets, and yet they have made cannon and
bayonets to destroy one another. To this account I might add not only
bankruptcies, but the law which seizes on the effects of bankrupts, only
to cheat the creditors.”
“All this was indispensably necessary,” replied the one–eyed
doctor, “for private misfortunes are public benefits; so that the more
private misfortunes there are, the greater is the general good.”
While he was arguing in this manner, the sky was overcast, the
winds blew from the four quarters of the compass, and the ship was
assailed by a most terrible tempest, within sight of the port of Lisbon.
A Tempest, a Shipwreck, an Earthquake, and What Else
Befell Dr. Pangloss, Candide, and James, the Anabaptist
One half of the passengers, weakened and half–dead with the
inconceivable anxiety and sickness which the rolling of a vessel at sea
occasions through the whole human frame, were lost to all sense of the
danger that surrounded them. The others made loud outcries, or betook
themselves to their prayers; the sails were blown into shreds, and the
masts were brought by the board. The vessel was a total wreck.
Everyone was busily employed, but nobody could be either heard or
obeyed. The Anabaptist, being upon deck, lent a helping hand as well
as the rest, when a brutish sailor gave him a blow and laid him
speechless; but, not withstanding, with the violence of the blow the tar
himself tumbled headforemost overboard, and fell upon a piece of the
broken mast, which he immediately grasped.
Honest James, forgetting the injury he had so lately received from
him, flew to his assistance, and, with great difficulty, hauled him in
again, but, not withstanding, in the attempt, was, by a sudden jerk of
the ship, thrown overboard himself, in sight of the very fellow whom
he had risked his life to save and who took not the least notice of him in
this distress. Candide, who beheld all that passed and saw his
benefactor one moment rising above water, and the next swallowed up
by the merciless waves, was preparing to jump after him, but was
prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to him that
the roadstead of Lisbon had been made on purpose for the Anabaptist
to be drowned there. While he was proving his argument a priori, the
ship foundered, and the whole crew perished, except Pangloss,
Candide, and the sailor who had been the means of drowning the good
Anabaptist.The villain swam ashore; but Pangloss and Candide reached
the land upon a plank.
As soon as they had recovered from their surprise and fatigue they
walked towards Lisbon; with what little money they had left they
thought to save themselves from starving after having escaped
Scarcely had they ceased to lament the loss of their benefactor and
set foot in the city, when they perceived that the earth trembled under
their feet, and the sea, swelling and foaming in the harbor, was dashing
in pieces the vessels that were riding at anchor. Large sheets of flames
and cinders covered the streets and public places; the houses tottered,
and were tumbled topsy–turvy even to their foundations, which were
themselves destroyed, and thirty thousand inhabitants of both sexes,
young and old, were buried beneath the ruins.
The sailor, whistling and swearing, cried, “Damn it, there’s
something to be got here.”
“What can be the sufficing reason of this phenomenon?” said
“It is certainly the day of judgment,” said Candide.
The sailor, defying death in the pursuit of plunder, rushed into the
midst of the ruin, where he found some money, with which he got
drunk, and, after he had slept himself sober he purchased the favors of
the first good–natured wench that came in his way, amidst the ruins of
demolished houses and the groans of half–buried and expiring persons.
Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. “Friend,” said he, “this is not
right, you trespass against the universal reason, and have mistaken your
“Death and zounds!” answered the other, “I am a sailor and was
born at Batavia, and have trampled four times upon the crucifix in as
many voyages to Japan; you have come to a good hand with your
universal reason.”
In the meantime, Candide, who had been wounded by some pieces
of stone that fell from the houses, lay stretched in the street, almost
covered with rubbish.
“For God’s sake,” said he to Pangloss, “get me a little wine and
oil! I am dying.”
“This concussion of the earth is no new thing,” said Pangloss, “the
city of Lima in South America experienced the same last year; the same
cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur all the way
underground from Lima to Lisbon.”
“Nothing is more probable,” said Candide; “but for the love of God
a little oil and wine.”
“Probable!” replied the philosopher, “I maintain that the thing is
Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water from
a neighboring spring. The next day, in searching among the ruins, they
found some eatables with which they repaired their exhausted
strength.After this they assisted the inhabitants in relieving the
distressed and wounded. Some, whom they had humanely assisted,
gave them as good a dinner as could be expected under such terrible
circumstances. The repast, indeed, was mournful, and the company
moistened their bread with their tears; but Pangloss endeavored to
comfort them under this affliction by affirming that things could not be
otherwise that they were.
“For,” said he, “all this is for the very best end, for if there is a
volcano at Lisbon it could be in no other spot; and it is impossible but
things should be as they are, for everything is for the best.”
By the side of the preceptor sat a little man dressed in black, who
was one of the familiars of the Inquisition. This person, taking him up
with great complaisance, said, “Possibly, my good sir, you do not
believe in original sin; for, if everything is best, there could have been
no such thing as the fall or punishment of man.”
Your Excellency will pardon me,” answered Pangloss, still more
politely; “for the fall of man and the curse consequent thereupon
necessarily entered into the system of the best of worlds.”
“That is as much as to say, sir,” rejoined the familiar, “you do not
believe in free will.”
“Your Excellency will be so good as to excuse me,” said Pangloss,
“free will is consistent with absolute necessity; for it was necessary we
should be free, for in that the will –”
Pangloss was in the midst of his proposition, when the familiar
beckoned to his attendant to help him to a glass of port wine.
How the Portuguese Made a Superb Auto–De–Fe to
Prevent Any Future Earthquakes, and How Candide
Underwent Public Flagellation
After the earthquake, which had destroyed three–fourths of the city
of Lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no means more
effectual to preserve the kingdom from utter ruin than to entertain the
people with an auto–da–fe, it having been decided by the University of
Coimbra, that the burning of a few people alive by a slow fire, and with
great ceremony, is an infallible preventive of earthquakes.
In consequence thereof they had seized on a Biscayan for marrying
his godmother, and on two Portuguese for taking out the bacon of a
larded pullet they were eating; after dinner they came and secured
Dr.Pangloss, and his pupil Candide, the one for speaking his mind, and
the other for seeming to approve what he had said. They were
conducted to separate apartments, extremely cool, where they were
never incommoded with the sun. Eight days afterwards they were each
dressed in a sanbenito, and their heads were adorned with paper mitres.
The mitre and sanbenito worn by Candide were painted with flames
reversed and with devils that had neither tails nor claws; but Dr.
Pangloss’s devils had both tails and claws, and his flames were upright.
In these habits they marched in procession, and heard a very pathetic
sermon, which was followed by an anthem, accompanied by bagpipes.
Candide was flogged to some tune, while the anthem was being sung;
the Biscayan and the two men who would not eat bacon were burned,
and Pangloss was hanged, which is not a common custom at these
solemnities. The same day there was another earthquake, which made
most dreadful havoc.
Candide, amazed, terrified, confounded, astonished, all bloody,
and trembling from head to foot, said to himself, “If this is the best of
all possible worlds, what are the others? If I had only been whipped, I
could have put up with it, as I did among the Bulgarians; but, not
withstanding, oh my dear Pangloss! my beloved master! thou greatest
of philosophers! that ever I should live to see thee hanged, without
knowing for what! O my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that it
should be thy fate to be drowned in the very harbor! O Miss Cunegund,
you mirror of young ladies! that it should be your fate to have your
body ripped open!”
He was making the best of his way from the place where he had
been preached to, whipped, absolved and blessed, when he was
accosted by an old woman, who said to him, “Take courage, child, and
follow me.”
How the Old Woman Took Care Of Candide, and How He
Found the Object of His Love
Candide followed the old woman, though without taking courage,
to a decayed house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint his
sores, showed him a very neat bed, with a suit of clothes hanging by it;
and set victuals and drink before him.
“There,” said she, “eat, drink, and sleep, and may Our Lady of
Atocha, and the great St. Anthony of Padua, and the illustrious
St.James of Compostella, take you under their protection. I shall be
back tomorrow.”
Candide, struck with amazement at what he had seen, at what he
had suffered, and still more with the charity of the old woman, would
have shown his acknowledgment by kissing her hand.
“It is not my hand you ought to kiss,” said the old woman. “I shall
be back tomorrow. Anoint your back, eat, and take your rest.”
Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The
next morning, the old woman brought him his breakfast; examined his
back, and rubbed it herself with another ointment. She returned at the
proper time, and brought him his dinner; and at night, she visited him
again with his supper. The next day she observed the same ceremonies.
“Who are you?” said Candide to her. “Who has inspired you with
so much goodness? What return can I make you for this charitable
The good old beldame kept a profound silence. In the evening she
returned, but without his supper.
“Come along with me,” said she, “but do not speak a word.”
She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of a
mile into the country, till they came to a lonely house surrounded with
moats and gardens. The old conductress knocked at a little door, which
was immediately opened, and she showed him up a pair of back stairs,
into a small, but richly furnished apartment. There she made him sit
down on a brocaded sofa, shut the door upon him, and left him.
Candide thought himself in a trance; he looked upon his whole life,
hitherto, as a frightful dream, and the present moment as a very
agreeable one.
The old woman soon returned, supporting, with great difficulty, a
young lady, who appeared scarce able to stand. She was of a majestic
mien and stature, her dress was rich, and glittering with diamonds, and
her face was covered with a veil.
“Take off that veil,” said the old woman to Candide.
The young man approached, and, with a trembling hand, took off
her veil. What a happy moment! What surprise! He thought he beheld
Miss Cunegund; he did behold her – it was she herself. His strength
failed him, he could not utter a word, he fell at her feet. Cunegund
fainted upon the sofa. The old woman bedewed them with spirits; they
recovered – they began to speak. At first they could express themselves
only in broken accents; their questions and answers were alternately
interrupted with sighs, tears, and exclamations. The old woman desired
them to make less noise, and after this prudent admonition left them
“Good heavens!” cried Candide, “is it you? Is it Miss Cunegund I
behold, and alive? Do I find you again in Portugal? then you have not
been ravished? they did not rip open your body, as the philosopher
Pangloss informed me?”
“Indeed but they did,” replied Miss Cunegund; “but these two
accidents do not always prove mortal.”
“But were your father and mother killed?”
“Alas!” answered she, “it is but too true!” and she wept.
“And your brother?”
“And my brother also.”
“And how came you into Portugal? And how did you know of my
being here? And by what strange adventure did you contrive to have
me brought into this house? And how –”
“I will tell you all,” replied the lady, “but first you must acquaint
me with all that has befallen you since the innocent kiss you gave me,
and the rude kicking you received in consequence of it.”
Candide, with the greatest submission, prepared to obey the
commands of his fair mistress; and though he was still filled with
amazement, though his voice was low and tremulous, though his back
pained him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everything
that had befallen him, since the moment of their separation. Cunegund,
with her eyes uplifted to heaven, shed tears when he related the death
of the good Anabaptist, James, and of Pangloss; after which she thus
related her adventures to Candide, who lost not one syllable she uttered,
and seemed to devour her with his eyes all the time she was speaking.
Cunegund’s Story
I was in bed, and fast asleep, when it pleased Heaven to send the
Bulgarians to our delightful castle of Thunder–ten–tronckh, where they
murdered my father and brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall
Bulgarian soldier, six feet high, perceiving that I had fainted away at
this sight, attempted to ravish me; the operation brought me to my
senses. I cried, I struggled, I bit, I scratched, I would have torn the tall
Bulgarian’s eyes out, not knowing that what had happened at my
father’s castle was a customary thing. The brutal soldier, enraged at my
resistance, gave me a wound in my left leg with his hanger, the mark of
which I still carry.”
“Methinks I long to see it,” said Candide, with all imaginable
“You shall,” said Cunegund, “but let me proceed.”
“Pray do,” replied Candide.
She continued. “A Bulgarian captain came in, and saw me
weltering in my blood, and the soldier still as busy as if no one had
been present.The officer, enraged at the fellow’s want of respect to
him, killed him with one stroke of his sabre as he lay upon me. This
captain took care of me, had me cured, and carried me as a prisoner of
war to his quarters. I washed what little linen he possessed, and cooked
his victuals: he was very fond of me, that was certain; neither can I
deny that he was well made, and had a soft, white skin, but he was very
stupid, and knew nothing of philosophy: it might plainly be perceived
that he had not been educated under Dr. Pangloss. In three months,
having gambled away all his money, and having grown tired of me, he
sold me to a Jew, named Don Issachar, who traded in Holland and
Portugal, and was passionately fond of women. This Jew showed me
great kindness, in hopes of gaining my favors; but he never could
prevail on me to yield. A modest woman may be once ravished; but her
virtue is greatly strengthened thereby. In order to make sure of me, he
brought me to this country house you now see. I had hitherto believed
that nothing could equal the beauty of the castle of Thunder–ten–
tronckh; but I found I was mistaken.
“The Grand Inquisitor saw me one day at Mass, ogled me all the
time of service, and when it was over, sent to let me know he wanted to
speak with me about some private business. I was conducted to his
palace, where I told him all my story; he represented to me how much it
was beneath a person of my birth to belong to a circumcised Israelite.
He caused a proposal to be made to Don Issachar, that he should resign
me to His Lordship. Don Issachar, being the court banker and a man of
credit, was not easy to be prevailed upon. His Lordship threatened him
with an auto–da–fe; in short, my Jew was frightened into a
compromise, and it was agreed between them, that the house and
myself should belong to both in common; that the Jew should have
Monday, Wednesday, and the Sabbath to himself; and the Inquisitor the
other four days of the week. This agreement has subsisted almost six
months; but not without several contests, whether the space from
Saturday night to Sunday morning belonged to the old or the new
law.For my part, I have hitherto withstood them both, and truly I
believe this is the very reason why they are both so fond of me.
“At length to turn aside the scourge of earthquakes, and to
intimidate Don Issachar, My Lord Inquisitor was pleased to celebrate
an auto–da–fe. He did me the honor to invite me to the ceremony. I had
a very good seat; and refreshments of all kinds were offered the ladies
between Mass and the execution. I was dreadfully shocked at the
burning of the two Jews, and the honest Biscayan who married his
godmother; but how great was my surprise, my consternation, and
concern, when I beheld a figure so like Pangloss, dressed in a sanbenito
and mitre! I rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively.I saw him
hanged, and I fainted away: scarce had I recovered my senses, when I
saw you stripped of clothing; this was the height of horror, grief, and
despair. I must confess to you for a truth, that your skin is whiter and
more blooming than that of the Bulgarian captain. This spectacle
worked me up to a pitch of distraction. I screamed out, and would have
said, ‘Hold, barbarians!’ but my voice failed me; and indeed my cries
would have signified nothing. After you had been severely whipped, I
said to myself, ‘How is it possible that the lovely Candide and the sage
Pangloss should be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred lashes, and
the other to be hanged by order of My Lord Inquisitor, of whom I am
so great a favorite? Pangloss deceived me most cruelly, in saying that
everything is for the best.’
“Thus agitated and perplexed, now distracted and lost, now half
dead with grief, I revolved in my mind the murder of my father,
mother, and brother, committed before my eyes; the insolence of the
rascally Bulgarian soldier; the wound he gave me in the groin; my
servitude; my being a cook–wench to my Bulgarian captain; my
subjection to the hateful Jew, and my cruel Inquisitor; the hanging of
Doctor Pangloss; the Miserere sung while you were being whipped;
and particularly the kiss I gave you behind the screen, the last day I
ever beheld you. I returned thanks to God for having brought you to the
place where I was, after so many trials. I charged the old woman who
attends me to bring you hither as soon as was convenient. She has
punctually executed my orders, and I now enjoy the inexpressible
satisfaction of seeing you, hearing you, and speaking to you. But you
must certainly be half–dead with hunger; I myself have a great
inclination to eat, and so let us sit down to supper.”
Upon this the two lovers immediately placed themselves at table,
and, after having supped, they returned to seat themselves again on the
magnificent sofa already mentioned, where they were in amorous
dalliance, when Senor Don Issachar, one of the masters of the house,
entered unexpectedly; it was the Sabbath day, and he came to enjoy his
privilege, and sigh forth his passion at the feet of the fair Cunegund.
What Happened to Cunegund, Candide, the Grand
Inquisitor, and the Jew
This same Issachar was the most choleric little Hebrew that had
ever been in Israel since the captivity of Babylon.
“What,” said he, “thou Galilean slut? The Inquisitor was not
enough for thee, but this rascal must come in for a share with me?”
In uttering these words, he drew out a long poniard, which he
always carried about him, and never dreaming that his adversary had
any arms, he attacked him most furiously; but our honest Westphalian
had received from the old woman a handsome sword with the suit of
clothes.Candide drew his rapier, and though he was very gentle and
sweet–tempered, he laid the Israelite dead on the floor at the fair
Cunegund’s feet.
“Holy Virgin!” cried she, “what will become of us? A man killed
in my apartment! If the peace–officers come, we are undone.”
“Had not Pangloss been hanged,” replied Candide, “he would have
given us most excellent advice, in this emergency; for he was a
profound philosopher. But, since he is not here, let us consult the old
She was very sensible, and was beginning to give her advice, when
another door opened on a sudden. It was now one o’clock in the
morning, and of course the beginning of Sunday, which, by agreement,
fell to the lot of My Lord Inquisitor. Entering he discovered the
flagellated Candide with his drawn sword in his hand, a dead body
stretched on the floor, Cunegund frightened out of her wits, and the old
woman giving advice.
At that very moment, a sudden thought came into Candide’s
head.”If this holy man,” thought he, “should call assistance, I shall
most undoubtedly be consigned to the flames, and Miss Cunegund may
perhaps meet with no better treatment: besides, he was the cause of my
being so cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and as I have now begun to
dip my hands in blood, I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate.”
This whole train of reasoning was clear and instantaneous; so that,
without giving time to the Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he ran
him through the body, and laid him by the side of the Jew.
“Here’s another fine piece of work!” cried Cunegund. “Now there
can be no mercy for us, we are excommunicated; our last hour is come.
But how could you, who are of so mild a temper, despatch a Jew and an
Inquisitor in two minutes’ time?”
“Beautiful maiden,” answered Candide, “when a man is in love, is
jealous, and has been flogged by the Inquisition, he becomes lost to all
The old woman then put in her word:
“There are three Andalusian horses in the stable, with as many
bridles and saddles; let the brave Candide get them ready. Madam has a
parcel of moidores and jewels, let us mount immediately, though I have
lost one buttock; let us set out for Cadiz; it is the finest weather in the
world, and there is great pleasure in traveling in the cool of the night.”
Candide, without any further hesitation, saddled the three horses;
and Miss Cunegund, the old woman, and he, set out, and traveled thirty
miles without once halting. While they were making the best of their
way, the Holy Brotherhood entered the house. My Lord, the Inquisitor,
was interred in a magnificent manner, and Master Issachar’s body was
thrown upon a dunghill.
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman, had by this time reached
the little town of Avacena, in the midst of the mountains of Sierra
Morena, and were engaged in the following conversation in an inn,
where they had taken up their quarters.
In What Distress Candide, Cunegund, and the Old
Woman Arrive at Cadiz, and Of Their Embarkation
Who could it be that has robbed me of my moidores and jewels?”
exclaimed Miss Cunegund, all bathed in tears. “How shall we live?
What shall we do? Where shall I find Inquisitors and Jews who can
give me more?”
“Alas!” said the old woman, “I have a shrewd suspicion of a
reverend Franciscan father, who lay last night in the same inn with us at
Badajoz. God forbid I should condemn any one wrongfully, but he
came into our room twice, and he set off in the morning long before
“Alas!” said Candide, “Pangloss has often demonstrated to me that
the goods of this world are common to all men, and that everyone has
an equal right to the enjoyment of them; but, not withstanding,
according to these principles, the Franciscan ought to have left us
enough to carry us to the end of our journey. Have you nothing at all
left, my dear Miss Cunegund?”
“Not a maravedi,” replied she.
“What is to be done then?” said Candide.
“Sell one of the horses,” replied the old woman. “I will get up
behind Miss Cunegund, though I have only one buttock to ride on, and
we shall reach Cadiz.”
In the same inn there was a Benedictine friar, who bought the
horse very cheap. Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman, after
passing through Lucina, Chellas, and Letrixa, arrived at length at
Cadiz. A fleet was then getting ready, and troops were assembling in
order to induce the reverend fathers, Jesuits of Paraguay, who were
accused of having excited one of the Indian tribes in the neighborhood
of the town of the Holy Sacrament, to revolt against the Kings of Spain
and Portugal.
Candide, having been in the Bulgarian service, performed the
military exercise of that nation before the general of this little army
with so intrepid an air, and with such agility and expedition, that he
received the command of a company of foot. Being now made a
captain, he embarked with Miss Cunegund, the old woman, two valets,
and the two Andalusian horses, which had belonged to the Grand
Inquisitor of Portugal.
During their voyage they amused themselves with many profound
reasonings on poor Pangloss’s philosophy.
“We are now going into another world, and surely it must be there
that everything is for the best; for I must confess that we have had some
little reason to complain of what passes in ours, both as to the physical
and moral part. Though I have a sincere love for you,” said Miss
Cunegund, “yet I still shudder at the reflection of what I have seen and
“All will be well,” replied Candide, “the sea of this new world is
already better than our European seas: it is smoother, and the winds
blow more regularly.”
“God grant it,” said Cunegund, “but I have met with such terrible
treatment in this world that I have almost lost all hopes of a better one.”
“What murmuring and complaining is here indeed!” cried the old
woman. “If you had suffered half what I have, there might be some
reason for it.”
Miss Cunegund could scarce refrain from laughing at the good old
woman, and thought it droll enough to pretend to a greater share of
misfortunes than her own.
“Alas! my good dame,” said she, “unless you had been ravished by
two Bulgarians, had received two deep wounds in your belly, had seen
two of your own castles demolished, had lost two fathers, and two
mothers, and seen both of them barbarously murdered before your eyes,
and to sum up all, had two lovers whipped at an auto–da–fe, I cannot
see how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add to this, though born
a baroness, and bearing seventy–two quarterings, I have been reduced
to the station of a cook–wench.”
“Miss,” replied the old woman, “you do not know my family as
yet; but if I were to show you my posteriors, you would not talk in this
manner, but suspend your judgment.” This speech raised a high
curiosity in Candide and Cunegund; and the old woman continued as
C H A P T E R 11
The History of the Old Woman
I have not always been blear–eyed. My nose did not always touch
my chin; nor was I always a servant. You must know that I am the
daughter of Pope Urban X, and of the Princess of Palestrina. To the age
of fourteen I was brought up in a castle, compared with which all the
castles of the German barons would not have been fit for stabling, and
one of my robes would have bought half the province of Westphalia. I
grew up, and improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful
accomplishment; and in the midst of pleasures, homage, and the highest
expectations. I already began to inspire the men with love. My breast
began to take its right form, and such a breast! white, firm, and formed
like that of the Venus de’ Medici; my eyebrows were as black as jet,
and as for my eyes, they darted flames and eclipsed the luster of the
stars, as I was told by the poets of our part of the world. My maids,
when they dressed and undressed me, used to fall into an ecstasy in
viewing me before and behind; and all the men longed to be in their
“I was contracted in marriage to a sovereign prince of Massa
Carrara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself, sweet–tempered,
agreeable, witty, and in love with me over head and ears. I loved him,
too, as our sex generally do for the first time, with rapture, transport,
and idolatry. The nuptials were prepared with surprising pomp and
magnificence; the ceremony was attended with feasts, carousals, and
burlesques: all Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one of
them was tolerable.
“I was on the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old
marchioness, who had been mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited
him to drink chocolate. In less than two hours after he returned from
the visit, he died of most terrible convulsions.
“But this is a mere trifle. My mother, distracted to the highest
degree, and yet less afflicted than I, determined to absent herself for
some time from so fatal a place. As she had a very fine estate in the
neighborhood of Gaeta, we embarked on board a galley, which was
gilded like the high altar of St. Peter’s, at Rome. In our passage we
were boarded by a Sallee rover. Our men defended themselves like true
Pope’s soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, laid down
their arms, and begged the corsair to give them absolution in articulo
“The Moors presently stripped us as bare as ever we were born.
My mother, my maids of honor, and myself, were served all in the
same manner. It is amazing how quick these gentry are at undressing
people.But what surprised me most was, that they made a rude sort of
surgical examination of parts of the body which are sacred to the
functions of nature. I thought it a very strange kind of ceremony; for
thus we are generally apt to judge of things when we have not seen the
world. I afterwards learned that it was to discover if we had any
diamonds concealed. This practice had been established since time
immemorial among those civilized nations that scour the seas. I was
informed that the religious Knights of Malta never fail to make this
search whenever any Moors of either sex fall into their hands. It is a
part of the law of nations, from which they never deviate.
“I need not tell you how great a hardship it was for a young
princess and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco.You
may easily imagine what we must have suffered on board a corsair. My
mother was still extremely handsome, our maids of honor, and even our
common waiting–women, had more charms than were to be found in
all Africa.
“As to myself, I was enchanting; I was beauty itself, and then I had
my virginity. But, alas! I did not retain it long; this precious flower,
which had been reserved for the lovely Prince of Massa Carrara, was
cropped by the captain of the Moorish vessel, who was a hideous
Negro, and thought he did me infinite honor. Indeed, both the Princess
of Palestrina and myself must have had very strong constitutions to
undergo all the hardships and violences we suffered before our arrival
at Morocco. But I will not detain you any longer with such common
things; they are hardly worth mentioning.
“Upon our arrival at Morocco we found that kingdom deluged with
blood. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley Ishmael were each at the head
of a party. This produced fifty civil wars of blacks against blacks, of
tawnies against tawnies, and of mulattoes against mulattoes. In short,
the whole empire was one continued scene of carnage.
“No sooner were we landed than a party of blacks, of a contrary
faction to that of my captain, came to rob him of his booty. Next to the
money and jewels, we were the most valuable things he had. I
witnessed on this occasion such a battle as you never beheld in your
cold European climates. The northern nations have not that
fermentation in their blood, nor that raging lust for women that is so
common in Africa. The natives of Europe seem to have their veins
filled with milk only; but fire and vitriol circulate in those of the
inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighboring provinces. They fought
with the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of their country, to decide
who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while
my captain’s lieutenant held her by the left; another Moor laid hold of
her by the right leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. In
this manner almost all of our women were dragged by four soldiers.
“My captain kept me concealed behind him, and with his drawn
scimitar cut down everyone who opposed him; at length I saw all our
Italian women and my mother mangled and torn in pieces by the
monsters who contended for them. The captives, my companions, the
Moors who took us, the soldiers, the sailors, the blacks, the whites, the
mulattoes, and lastly, my captain himself, were all slain, and I remained
alone expiring upon a heap of dead bodies. Similar barbarous scenes
were transacted every day over the whole country, which is of three
hundred leagues in extent, and yet they never missed the five stated
times of prayer enjoined by their prophet Mahomet.
“I disengaged myself with great difficulty from such a heap of
corpses, and made a shift to crawl to a large orange tree that stood on
the bank of a neighboring rivulet, where I fell down exhausted with
fatigue, and overwhelmed with horror, despair, and hunger. My senses
being overpowered, I fell asleep, or rather seemed to be in a trance.
Thus I lay in a state of weakness and insensibility between life and
death, when I felt myself pressed by something that moved up and
down upon my body. This brought me to myself. I opened my eyes,
and saw a pretty fair–faced man, who sighed and muttered these words
between his teeth, ‘O che sciagura d’essere senza coglioni!”’
The Adventures of the Old Woman Continued
Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no less
surprised at the young man’s words, I told him that there were far
greater misfortunes in the world than what he complained of. And to
convince him of it, I gave him a short history of the horrible disasters
that had befallen me; and as soon as I had finished, fell into a swoon
“He carried me in his arms to a neighboring cottage, where he had
me put to bed, procured me something to eat, waited on me with the
greatest attention, comforted me, caressed me, told me that he had
never seen anything so perfectly beautiful as myself, and that he had
never so much regretted the loss of what no one could restore to him.
“‘I was born at Naples,’ said he, ‘where they make eunuchs of
thousands of children every year; some die of the operation; some
acquire voices far beyond the most tuneful of your ladies; and others
are sent to govern states and empires. I underwent this operation very
successfully, and was one of the singers in the Princess of Palestrina’s
“‘How,’ cried I, ‘in my mother’s chapel!’
“‘The Princess of Palestrina, your mother!’ cried he, bursting into a
flood of tears. ‘Is it possible you should be the beautiful young princess
whom I had the care of bringing up till she was six years old, and who
at that tender age promised to be as fair as I now behold you?’
“‘I am the same,’ I replied. ‘My mother lies about a hundred yards
from here cut in pieces and buried under a heap of dead bodies.’
“I then related to him all that had befallen me, and he in return
acquainted me with all his adventures, and how he had been sent to the
court of the King of Morocco by a Christian prince to conclude a treaty
with that monarch; in consequence of which he was to be furnished
with military stores, and ships to destroy the commerce of other
Christian governments.
“‘I have executed my commission,’ said the eunuch; ‘I am going to
take ship at Ceuta, and I’ll take you along with me to Italy. Ma che
sciagura d’essere senza coglioni!’
“I thanked him with tears of joy, but, not withstanding, instead of
taking me with him to Italy, he carried me to Algiers, and sold me to
the Dey of that province. I had not been long a slave when the plague,
which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and Europe, broke out at
Algiers with redoubled fury. You have seen an earthquake; but tell me,
miss, have you ever had the plague?”
“Never,” answered the young Baroness.
“If you had ever had it,” continued the old woman, “you would
own an earthquake was a trifle to it. It is very common in Africa; I was
seized with it. Figure to yourself the distressed condition of the
daughter of a Pope, only fifteen years old, and who in less than three
months had felt the miseries of poverty and slavery; had been
debauched almost every day; had beheld her mother cut into four
quarters; had experienced the scourges of famine and war; and was now
dying of the plague at Algiers. I did not, however, die of it; but my
eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers, were
swept off.
“As soon as the first fury of this dreadful pestilence was over, a
sale was made of the Dey’s slaves. I was purchased by a merchant who
carried me to Tunis. This man sold me to another merchant, who sold
me again to another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria,
from Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. After
many changes, I at length became the property of an Aga of the
Janissaries, who, soon after I came into his possession, was ordered
away to the defense of Azoff, then besieged by the Russians.
“The Aga, being very fond of women, took his whole seraglio with
him, and lodged us in a small fort, with two black eunuchs and twenty
soldiers for our guard. Our army made a great slaughter among the
Russians; but they soon returned us the compliment. Azoff was taken
by storm, and the enemy spared neither age, sex, nor condition, but put
all to the sword, and laid the city in ashes. Our little fort alone held out;
they resolved to reduce us by famine.The twenty janissaries, who were
left to defend it, had bound themselves by an oath never to surrender
the place. Being reduced to the extremity of famine, they found
themselves obliged to kill our two eunuchs, and eat them rather than
violate their oath. But this horrible repast soon failing them, they next
determined to devour the women.
“We had a very pious and humane man, who gave them a most
excellent sermon on this occasion, exhorting them not to kill us all at
once. ‘Cut off only one of the buttocks of each of those ladies,’ said he,
‘and you will fare extremely well; if you are under the necessity of
having recourse to the same expedient again, you will find the like
supply a few days hence. Heaven will approve of so charitable an
action, and work your deliverance.’
“By the force of this eloquence he easily persuaded them, and all
of us underwent the operation. The man applied the same balsam as
they do to children after circumcision. We were all ready to give up the
“The Janissaries had scarcely time to finish the repast with which
we had supplied them, when the Russians attacked the place by means
of flat–bottomed boats, and not a single janissary escaped. The
Russians paid no regard to the condition we were in; but there are
French surgeons in all parts of the world, and one of them took us
under his care, and cured us. I shall never forget, while I live, that as
soon as my wounds were perfectly healed he made me certain
proposals. In general, he desired us all to be of a good cheer, assuring
us that the like had happened in many sieges; and that it was perfectly
agreeable to the laws of war.
“As soon as my companions were in a condition to walk, they were
sent to Moscow. As for me, I fell to the lot of a Boyard, who put me to
work in his garden, and gave me twenty lashes a day. But this
nobleman having about two years afterwards been broken alive upon
the wheel, with about thirty others, for some court intrigues, I took
advantage of the event, and made my escape. I traveled over a great
part of Russia. I was a long time an innkeeper’s servant at Riga, then at
Rostock, Wismar, Leipsic, Cassel, Utrecht, Leyden, The Hague, and
Rotterdam. I have grown old in misery and disgrace, living with only
one buttock, and having in perpetual remembrance that I am a Pope’s
daughter. I have been a hundred times upon the point of killing myself,
but still I was fond of life. This ridiculous weakness is, perhaps, one of
the dangerous principles implanted in our nature. For what can be more
absurd than to persist in carrying a burden of which we wish to be
eased? to detest, and yet to strive to preserve our existence? In a word,
to caress the serpent that devours us, and hug him close to our bosoms
till he has gnawed into our hearts?
“In the different countries which it has been my fate to traverse,
and at the many inns where I have been a servant, I have observed a
prodigious number of people who held their existence in abhorrence,
and yet I never knew more than twelve who voluntarily put an end to
their misery; namely, three Negroes, four Englishmen, as many
Genevese, and a German professor named Robek. My last place was
with the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed me near your person, my fair
lady; to whose fortunes I have attached myself, and have been more
concerned with your adventures than with my own. I should never have
even mentioned the latter to you, had you not a little piqued me on the
head of sufferings; and if it were not customary to tell stories on board
a ship in order to pass away the time.
“In short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge and
experience in the world, therefore take my advice: divert yourself, and
prevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and if there is one of them
all that has not cursed his existence many times, and said to himself
over and over again that he was the most wretched of mortals, I give
you leave to throw me headfirst into the sea.”
How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair Cunegund
and the Old Woman
The fair Cunegund, being thus made acquainted with the history of
the old woman’s life and adventures, paid her all the respect and
civility due to a person of her rank and merit. She very readily acceded
to her proposal of engaging the passengers to relate their adventures in
their turns, and was at length, as well as Candide, compelled to
acknowledge that the old woman was in the right.
“It is a thousand pities,” said Candide, “that the sage Pangloss
should have been hanged contrary to the custom of an auto–da–fe, for
he would have given us a most admirable lecture on the moral and
physical evil which overspreads the earth and sea; and I think I should
have courage enough to presume to offer (with all due respect) some
few objections.”
While everyone was reciting his adventures, the ship continued on
her way, and at length arrived at Buenos Ayres, where Cunegund,
Captain Candide, and the old woman, landed and went to wait upon the
governor, Don Fernando d’Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y
Lampourdos y Souza. This nobleman carried himself with a
haughtiness suitable to a person who bore so many names. He spoke
with the most noble disdain to everyone, carried his nose so high,
strained his voice to such a pitch, assumed so imperious an air, and
stalked with so much loftiness and pride, that everyone who had the
honor of conversing with him was violently tempted to bastinade His
Excellency. He was immoderately fond of women, and Miss Cunegund
appeared in his eyes a paragon of beauty. The first thing he did was to
ask her if she was not the captain’s wife. The air with which he made
this demand alarmed Candide, who did not dare to say he was married
to her, because indeed he was not; neither did he venture to say she was
his sister, because she was not; and though a lie of this nature proved of
great service to one of the ancients, and might possibly be useful to
some of the moderns, yet the purity of his heart would not permit him
to violate the truth.
“Miss Cunegund,” replied he, “is to do me the honor to marry me,
and we humbly beseech Your Excellency to condescend to grace the
ceremony with your presence.”
Don Fernando d’Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y
Souza, twirling his mustachio, and putting on a sarcastic smile, ordered
Captain Candide to go and review his company. The gentle Candide
obeyed, and the Governor was left with Miss Cunegund. He made her a
strong declaration of love, protesting that he was ready to give her his
hand in the face of the Church, or otherwise, as should appear most
agreeable to a young lady of her prodigious beauty.Cunegund desired
leave to retire a quarter of an hour to consult the old woman, and
determine how she should proceed.
The old woman gave her the following counsel:
“Miss, you have seventy–two quarterings in your arms, it is true,
but you have not a penny to bless yourself with. It is your own fault if
you do not become the wife of one of the greatest noblemen in South
America, with an exceeding fine mustachio. What business have you to
pride yourself upon an unshaken constancy? You have been outraged
by a Bulgarian soldier; a Jew and an Inquisitor have both tasted of your
favors. People take advantage of misfortunes. I must confess, were I in
your place, I should, without the least scruple, give my hand to the
Governor, and thereby make the fortune of the brave Captain Candide.”
While the old woman was thus haranguing, with all the prudence
that old age and experience furnish, a small bark entered the harbor, in
which was an alcayde and his alguazils. Matters had fallen out as
The old woman rightly guessed that the Franciscan with the long
sleeves, was the person who had taken Miss Cunegund’s money and
jewels, while they and Candide were at Badajoz, in their flight from
Lisbon. This same friar attempted to sell some of the diamonds to a
jeweler, who presently knew them to have belonged to the Grand
Inquisitor, and stopped them. The Franciscan, before he was hanged,
acknowledged that he had stolen them and described the persons, and
the road they had taken. The flight of Cunegund and Candide was
already the towntalk. They sent in pursuit of them to Cadiz; and the
vessel which had been sent to make the greater dispatch, had now
reached the port of Buenos Ayres. A report was spread that an alcayde
was going to land, and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of My
Lord, the Inquisitor. The sage old woman immediately saw what was to
be done.
“You cannot run away,” said she to Cunegund, “but you have
nothing to fear; it was not you who killed My Lord Inquisitor: besides,
as the Governor is in love with you, he will not suffer you to be ill–
treated; therefore stand your ground.”
Then hurrying away to Candide, she said, “Be gone hence this
instant, or you will be burned alive.”
Candide found there was no time to be lost; but how could he part
from Cunegund, and whither must he fly for shelter?
The Reception Candide and Cacambo Met with among
the Jesuits in Paraguay
Candide had brought with him from Cadiz such a footman as one
often meets with on the coasts of Spain and in the colonies. He was the
fourth part of a Spaniard, of a mongrel breed, and born in Tucuman. He
had successively gone through the profession of a singing boy, sexton,
sailor, monk, peddler, soldier, and lackey. His name was Cacambo; he
had a great affection for his master, because his master was a very good
man. He immediately saddled the two Andalusian horses.
“Come, my good master, let us follow the old woman’s advice, and
make all the haste we can from this place without staying to look
behind us.”
Candide burst into a flood of tears, “O my dear Cunegund, must I
then be compelled to quit you just as the Governor was going to honor
us with his presence at our wedding! Cunegund, so long lost and found
again, what will now become of you?”
“Lord!” said Cacambo, ‘she must do as well as she can; women are
never at a loss. God takes care of them, and so let us make the best of
our way.”
“But whither wilt thou carry me? where can we go? what can we
do without Cunegund?” cried the disconsolate Candide.
“By St. James of Compostella,” said Cacambo, “you were going to
fight against the Jesuits of Paraguay; now let us go and fight for them; I
know the road perfectly well; I’ll conduct you to their kingdom; they
will be delighted with a captain that understands the Bulgarian drill;
you will certainly make a prodigious fortune. If we cannot succeed in
this world we may in another. It is a great pleasure to see new objects
and perform new exploits.”
“Then you have been in Paraguay?” asked Candide.
“Ay, marry, I have,” replied Cacambo. “I was a scout in the
College of the Assumption, and am as well acquainted with the new
government of the Los Padres as I am with the streets of Cadiz. Oh, it is
an admirable government, that is most certain! The kingdom is at
present upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter, and divided into
thirty provinces; the fathers there are masters of everything, and the
people have no money at all; this you must allow is the masterpiece of
justice and reason. For my part, I see nothing so divine as the good
fathers, who wage war in this part of the world against the troops of
Spain and Portugal, at the same time that they hear the confessions of
those very princes in Europe; who kill Spaniards in America and send
them to Heaven at Madrid. This pleases me exceedingly, but let us push
forward; you are going to see the happiest and most fortunate of all
mortals. How charmed will those fathers be to hear that a captain who
understands the Bulgarian military drill is coming to them.”
As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo called to the
advance guard, and told them that a captain wanted to speak to My
Lord, the General. Notice was given to the main guard, and
immediately a Paraguayan officer ran to throw himself at the feet of the
Commandant to impart this news to him. Candide and Cacambo were
immediately disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses were seized.
The two strangers were conducted between two files of musketeers, the
Commandant was at the further end with a three–cornered cap on his
head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a half–pike in his
hand; he made a sign, and instantly four and twenty soldiers drew up
round the newcomers. A sergeant told them that they must wait, the
Commandant could not speak to them; and that the Reverend Father
Provincial did not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in his
presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.
“And where is the Reverend Father Provincial?” said Cacambo.
“He has just come from Mass and is at the parade,” replied the
sergeant, “and in about three hours’ time you may possibly have the
honor to kiss his spurs.”
“But,” said Cacambo, “the Captain, who, as well as myself, is
perishing of hunger, is no Spaniard, but a German; therefore, pray,
might we not be permitted to break our fast till we can be introduced to
His Reverence?”
The sergeant immediately went and acquainted the Commandant
with what he heard.
“God be praised,” said the Reverend Commandant, “since he is a
German I will hear what he has to say; let him be brought to my arbor.”
Immediately they conducted Candide to a beautiful pavilion
adomed with a colonnade of green marble, spotted with yellow, and
with an intertexture of vines, which served as a kind of cage for parrots,
humming birds, guinea hens, and all other curious kinds of birds. An
excellent breakfast was provided in vessels of gold; and while the
Paraguayans were eating coarse Indian corn out of wooden dishes in
the open air, and exposed to the burning heat of the sun, the Reverend
Father Commandant retired to his cool arbor.
He was a very handsome young man, round–faced, fair, and fresh–
colored, his eyebrows were finely arched, he had a piercing eye, the
tips of his ears were red, his lips vermilion, and he had a bold and
commanding air; but such a boldness as neither resembled that of a
Spaniard nor of a Jesuit. He ordered Candide and Cacambo to have
their arms restored to them, together with their two Andalusian
horses.Cacambo gave the poor beasts some oats to eat close by the
arbor, keeping a strict eye upon them all the while for fear of surprise.
Candide having kissed the hem of the Commandant’s robe, they
sat down to table.
“It seems you are a German,” said the Jesuit to him in that
“Yes, Reverend Father,” answered Candide.
As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with
great amazement and with an emotion that neither could conceal.
“From what part of Germany do you come?” said the Jesuit.
“From the dirty province of Westphalia,” answered Candide.
“I was born in the castle of Thunder–ten–tronckh.”
“Oh heavens! is it possible?” said the Commandant.
“What a miracle!” cried Candide.
“Can it be you?” said the Commandant.
On this they both drew a few steps backwards, then running into
each other’s arms, embraced, and wept profusely.
“Is it you then, Reverend Father? You are the brother of the fair
Miss Cunegund? You that was slain by the Bulgarians! You the
Baron’s son! You a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange
world we live in. O Pangloss! what joy would this have given you if
you had not been hanged.”
The Commandant dismissed the Negro slaves, and the
Paraguayans who presented them with liquor in crystal goblets. He
returned thanks to God and St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped
Candide in his arms, and both their faces were bathed in tears.
“You will be more surprised, more affected, more transported,”
said Candide, “when I tell you that Miss Cunegund, your sister, whose
belly was supposed to have been ripped open, is in perfect health.”
“In your neighborhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I
myself was going to fight against you.”
Every word they uttered during this long conversation was
productive of some new matter of astonishment. Their souls fluttered
on their tongues, listened in their ears, and sparkled in their eyes. Like
true Germans, they continued a long while at table, waiting for the
Reverend Father; and the Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as
How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunegund
Never while I live shall I lose the remembrance of that horrible day
on which I saw my father and mother barbarously butchered before my
eyes, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians retired we searched
in vain for my dear sister. She was nowhere to be found; but the bodies
of my father, mother, and myself, with two servant maids and three
little boys, all of whom had been murdered by the remorseless enemy,
were thrown into a cart to be buried in a chapel belonging to the Jesuits,
within two leagues of our family seat. A Jesuit sprinkled us with some
holy water, which was confounded salty, and a few drops of it went
into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids stirred a little; he put
his hand upon my breast and felt my heartbeat; upon which he gave me
proper assistance, and at the end of three weeks I was perfectly
recovered. You know, my dear Candide, I was very handsome; I
became still more so, and the Reverend Father Croust, superior of that
house, took a great fancy to me; he gave me the habit of the order, and
some years afterwards I was sent to Rome. Our General stood in need
of new recruits of young German Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay
admit of as few Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other
nations, as being more obedient to command. The Reverend Father
General looked upon me as a proper person to work in that vineyard. I
set out in company with a Polander and a Tyrolese. Upon my arrival I
was honored with a subdeaconship and a lieutenancy. Now I am
colonel and priest. We shall give a warm reception to the King of
Spain’s troops; I can assure you they will be well excommunicated and
beaten. Providence has sent you hither to assist us. But is it true that my
dear sister Cunegund is in the neighborhood with the Governor of
Buenos Ayres?”
Candide swore that nothing could be more true; and the tears
began again to trickle down their cheeks. The Baron knew no end of
embracing Candide, be called him his brother, his deliverer.
“Perhaps,” said he, “my dear Candide, we shall be fortunate
enough to enter the town, sword in hand, and recover my sister
“Ah! that would crown my wishes,” replied Candide; “for I
intended to marry her; and I hope I shall still be able to effect it.”
“Insolent fellow!” cried the Baron. “You! you have the impudence
to marry my sister, who bears seventy–two quarterings! Really, I think
you have an insufferable degree of assurance to dare so much as to
mention such an audacious design to me.”
Candide, thunderstruck at the oddness of this speech, answered:
“Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world are of no
signification. I have delivered your sister from a Jew and an Inquisitor;
she is under many obligations to me, and she is resolved to give me her
hand. My master, Pangloss, always told me that mankind are by nature
equal. Therefore, you may depend upon it that I will marry your sister.”
“We shall see to that, villain!” said the Jesuit, Baron of Thunder–
ten–tronckh, and struck him across the face with the flat side of his
sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier and plunged it up to the
hilt in the Jesuit’s body; but in pulling it out reeking hot, he burst into
“Good God!” cried he, “I have killed my old master, my friend, my
brother–in–law. I am the best man in the world, and yet I have already
killed three men, and of these three, two were priests.”
Cacambo, who was standing sentry near the door of the arbor,
instantly ran up.
“Nothing remains,” said his master, “but to sell our lives as dearly
as possible; they will undoubtedly look into the arbor; we must die
sword in hand.”
Cacambo, who had seen many of this kind of adventures, was not
discouraged. He stripped the Baron of his Jesuit’s habit and put it upon
Candide, then gave him the dead man’s three–cornered cap and made
him mount on horseback. All this was done as quick as thought.
“Gallop, master,” cried Cacambo; “everybody will take you for a
Jesuit going to give orders; and we shall have passed the frontiers
before they will be able to overtake us.”
He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish,
“Make way; make way for the Reverend Father Colonel.”
What Happened to Our Two Travelers with Two Girls,
Two Monkeys, and the Savages, Called Oreillons
Candide and his valet had already passed the frontiers before it was
known that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken
care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, some ham, some fruit, and
a few bottles of wine. They penetrated with their Andalusian horses
into a strange country, where they could discover no beaten path. At
length a beautiful meadow, intersected with purling rills, opened to
their view. Cacambo proposed to his master to take some nourishment,
and he set him an example.
“How can you desire me to feast upon ham, when I have killed the
Baron’s son and am doomed never more to see the beautiful
Cunegund?What will it avail me to prolong a wretched life that must be
spent far from her in remorse and despair? And then what will the
journal of Trevoux say?” was Candide’s reply.
While he was making these reflections he still continued eating.
The sun was now on the point of setting when the ears of our two
wanderers were assailed with cries which seemed to be uttered by a
female voice.They could not tell whether these were cries of grief or of
joy; however, they instantly started up, full of that inquietude and
apprehension which a strange place naturally inspires. The cries
proceeded from two young women who were tripping disrobed along
the mead, while two monkeys followed close at their heels biting at
their limbs. Candide was touched with compassion; he had learned to
shoot while he was among the Bulgarians, and he could hit a filbert in a
hedge without touching a leaf. Accordingly he took up his double–
barrelled Spanish gun, pulled the trigger, and laid the two monkeys
lifeless on the ground.
“God be praised, my dear Cacambo, I have rescued two poor girls
from a most perilous situation; if I have committed a sin in killing an
Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving the lives
of these two distressed damsels. Who knows but they may be young
ladies of a good family, and that the assistance I have been so happy to
give them may procure us great advantage in this country?”
He was about to continue when he felt himself struck speechless at
seeing the two girls embracing the dead bodies of the monkeys in the
tenderest manner, bathing their wounds with their tears, and rending the
air with the most doleful lamentations.
“Really,” said he to Cacambo, “I should not have expected to see
such a prodigious share of good nature.”
“Master,” replied the knowing valet, “you have made a precious
piece of work of it; do you know that you have killed the lovers of
these two ladies?”
“Their lovers! Cacambo, you are jesting! It cannot be! I can never
believe it.”
“Dear sir,” replied Cacambo, “you are surprised at everything.
Why should you think it so strange that there should be a country where
monkeys insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies?They
are the fourth part of a man as I am the fourth part of a Spaniard.”
“Alas!” replied Candide, “I remember to have heard my master
Pangloss say that such accidents as these frequently came to pass in
former times, and that these commixtures are productive of centaurs,
fauns, and satyrs; and that many of the ancients had seen such
monsters; but I looked upon the whole as fabulous.”
“Now you are convinced,” said Cacambo, “that it is very true, and
you see what use is made of those creatures by persons who have not
had a proper education; all I am afraid of is that these same ladies may
play us some ugly trick.”
These judicious reflections operated so far on Candide as to make
him quit the meadow and strike into a thicket. There he and Cacambo
supped, and after heartily cursing the Grand Inquisitor, the Governor of
Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they fell asleep on the ground. When
they awoke they were surprised to find that they could not move; the
reason was that the Oreillons who inhabit that country, and to whom
the ladies had given information of these two strangers, had bound
them with cords made of the bark of trees. They saw themselves
surrounded by fifty naked Oreillons armed with bows and arrows,
clubs, and hatchets of flint; some were making a fire under a large
cauldron; and others were preparing spits, crying out one and all, “A
Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged; we shall have excellent cheer; let
us eat this Jesuit; let us eat him up.”
“I told you, master,” cried Cacambo, mournfully, “that these two
wenches would play us some scurvy trick.”
Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried out, “I suppose
they are going either to boil or roast us. Ah! what would Pangloss say if
he were to see how pure nature is formed? Everything is right; it may
be so; but I must confess it is something hard to be bereft of dear Miss
Cunegund, and to be spitted like a rabbit by these barbarous Oreillons.”
Cacambo, who never lost his presence of mind in distress, said to
the disconsolate Candide, “Do not despair; I understand a little of the
jargon of these people; I will speak to them.”
“Ay, pray do,” said Candide, “and be sure you make them sensible
of the horrid barbarity of boiling and roasting human creatures, and
how little of Christianity there is in such practices.”
“Gentlemen,” said Cacambo, “you think perhaps you are going to
feast upon a Jesuit; if so, it is mighty well; nothing can be more
agreeable to justice than thus to treat your enemies. Indeed the law of
nature teaches us to kill our neighbor, and accordingly we find this
practiced all over the world; and if we do not indulge ourselves in
eating human flesh, it is because we have much better fare; but for your
parts, who have not such resources as we, it is certainly much better
judged to feast upon your enemies than to throw their bodies to the
fowls of the air; and thus lose all the fruits of your victory.
“But surely, gentlemen, you would not choose to eat your
friends.You imagine you are going to roast a Jesuit, whereas my master
is your friend, your defender, and you are going to spit the very man
who has been destroying your enemies; as to myself, I am your
countryman; this gentleman is my master, and so far from being a
Jesuit, give me leave to tell you he has very lately killed one of that
order, whose spoils he now wears, and which have probably occasioned
your mistake. To convince you of the truth of what I say, take the habit
he has on and carry it to the first barrier of the Jesuits’ kingdom, and
inquire whether my master did not kill one of their officers. There will
be little or no time lost by this, and you may still reserve our bodies in
your power to feast on if you should find what we have told you to be
false. But, on the contrary, if you find it to be true, I am persuaded you
are too well acquainted with the principles of the laws of society,
humanity, and justice, not to use us courteously, and suffer us to depart
This speech appeared very reasonable to the Oreillons; they
deputed two of their people with all expedition to inquire into the truth
of this affair, who acquitted themselves of their commission like men
of sense, and soon returned with good tidings for our distressed
adventurers. Upon this they were loosed, and those who were so lately
going to roast and boil them now showed them all sorts of civilities,
offered them girls, gave them refreshments, and reconducted them to
the confines of their country, crying before them all the way, in token
of joy, “He is no Jesuit! he is no Jesuit!”
Candide could not help admiring the cause of his
deliverance.”What men! what manners!” cried he. “If I had not
fortunately run my sword up to the hilt in the body of Miss Cunegund’s
brother, I should have certainly been eaten alive. But, after all, pure
nature is an excellent thing; since these people, instead of eating me,
showed me a thousand civilities as soon as they knew was not a Jesuit.”
Candide and His Valet Arrive in the Country of El
Dorado – What They Saw There
When to the frontiers of the Oreillons, said Cacambo to Candide,
“You see, this hemisphere is not better than the other; now take my
advice and let us return to Europe by the shortest way possible.”
“But how can we get back?” said Candide; “and whither shall we
go?To my own country? The Bulgarians and the Abares are laying that
waste with fire and sword. Or shall we go to Portugal? There I shall be
burned; and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of being
spitted. But how can I bring myself to quit that part of the world where
my dear Miss Cunegund has her residence?”
“Let us return towards Cayenne,” said Cacambo. “There we shall
meet with some Frenchmen, for you know those gentry ramble all over
the world. Perhaps they will assist us, and God will look with pity on
our distress.”
It was not so easy to get to Cayenne. They knew pretty nearly
whereabouts it lay; but the mountains, rivers, precipices, robbers,
savages, were dreadful obstacles in the way. Their horses died with
fatigue and their provisions were at an end. They subsisted a whole
month on wild fruit, till at length they came to a little river bordered
with cocoa trees; the sight of which at once revived their drooping
spirits and furnished nourishment for their enfeebled bodies.
Cacambo, who was always giving as good advice as the old
woman herself, said to Candide, “You see there is no holding out any
longer; we have traveled enough on foot. I spy an empty canoe near the
river side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, get into it, and go down with the
stream; a river always leads to some inhabited place. If we do not meet
with agreeable things, we shall at least meet with something new.”
“Agreed,” replied Candide; “let us recommend ourselves to
They rowed a few leagues down the river, the banks of which were
in some places covered with flowers; in others barren; in some parts
smooth and level, and in others steep and rugged. The stream widened
as they went further on, till at length it passed under one of the frightful
rocks, whose summits seemed to reach the clouds. Here our two
travelers had the courage to commit themselves to the stream, which,
contracting in this part, hurried them along with a dreadful noise and
At the end of four and twenty hours they saw daylight again; but
their canoe was dashed to pieces against the rocks. They were obliged
to creep along, from rock to rock, for the space of a league, till at length
a spacious plain presented itself to their sight. This place was bounded
by a chain of inaccessible mountains.The country appeared cultivated
equally for pleasure and to produce the necessaries of life. The useful
and agreeable were here equally blended. The roads were covered, or
rather adorned, with carriages formed of glittering materials, in which
were men and women of a surprising beauty, drawn with great rapidity
by red sheep of a very large size; which far surpassed the finest
coursers of Andalusian Tetuan, or Mecquinez.
“Here is a country, however,” said Candide, “preferable to
He and Cacambo landed near the first village they saw, at the
entrance of which they perceived some children covered with tattered
garments of the richest brocade, playing at quoits. Our two inhabitants
of the other hemisphere amused themselves greatly with what they saw.
The quoits were large, round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast
a most glorious luster. Our travelers picked some of them up, and they
proved to be gold, emeralds, rubies, and diamonds; the least of which
would have been the greatest ornament to the superb throne of the
Great Mogul.
“Without doubt,” said Cacambo, “those children must be the
King’s sons that are playing at quoits.”
As he was uttering these words the schoolmaster of the village
appeared, who came to call the children to school.
“There,” said Candide, “is the preceptor of the royal family.”
The little ragamuffins immediately quitted their diversion, leaving
the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings.Candide
gathered them up, ran to the schoolmaster, and, with a most respectful
bow, presented them to him, giving him to understand by signs that
their Royal Highnesses had forgot their gold and precious stones. The
schoolmaster, with a smile, flung them upon the ground, then
examining Candide from head to foot with an air of admiration, he
turned his back and went on his way.
Our travelers took care, however, to gather up the gold, the rubies,
and the emeralds.
“Where are we?” cried Candide. “The King’s children in this
country must have an excellent education, since they are taught to show
such a contempt for gold and precious stones.”
Cacambo was as much surprised as his master. They then drew
near the first house in the village, which was built after the manner of a
European palace. There was a crowd of people about the door, and a
still greater number in the house. The sound of the most delightful
instruments of music was heard, and the most agreeable smell came
from the kitchen. Cacambo went up to the door and heard those within
talking in the Peruvian language, which was his mother tongue; for
everyone knows that Cacambo was born in a village of Tucuman,
where no other language is spoken.
“I will be your interpreter here,” said he to Candide. “Let us go in;
this is an eating house.”
Immediately two waiters and two servant–girls, dressed in cloth of
gold, and their hair braided with ribbons of tissue, accosted the
strangers and invited them to sit down to the ordinary. Their dinner
consisted of four dishes of different soups, each garnished with two
young paroquets, a large dish of bouille that weigh…

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